If you asked me, I’d say marriage is the most revered institution on planet Earth. Ask any woman her happiest day ever and she’ll tell you it was her wedding day. Ask any girl what will make her happy, she’ll tell you the day she gets married. When Sir Winston Churchill described Russia as “a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma”, he may as well have been talking about marriage.
Weddings all over the world are always the most well attended events. Family members, friends, associates and even uninvited strangers attend weddings to witness the birth of a new family and give their blessing. High society weddings are in a special class of their own. When Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, married the late Princess of Wales, Diana, in a union made in heaven on 29 July, 1981, the world virtually came to a standstill.
All women go out of their way to look their best on their wedding day. They adorn the whitest of white specially-made dress designated all over the world as a Wedding Gown. Why not wedding dress? Or wedding attire? Or wedding cloth? A wedding gown epitomizes purity and the solemnity of marriage. Even in those cultures where the woman marries the man, like in Polynesia, the man wears a specially made wedding gown.
Society ascribes high importance to marriage. Indeed, for the men folk, for you to be regarded a man, you must have married a woman. To be single at age of 40 is to be irresponsible. Remain single at the age of 50, society will regard you as weird. So men go out their way to prove their manness by working super hard to accumulate enough fortune to get married.
Why is marriage such a favoured institution? For Christians, marriage is decreed by God “…for a woman shall leave her parents and cleave to his husband and the two shall become one.” Ardent Christians will quickly point to the wedding at Canaan and say see, Jesus attended, and performed His first miracle by turning water into wine.
And so it’s apt I’m writing this blog post on Easter Sunday when a third of the world, according to the BBC, is on lockdown and families are together again. What a glorious time for society, families, married men and women. In this blog post, I’m going to show you how to achieve a highly successful marriage, happiness and abundance.
What’s my qualification for writing this piece? As Bob Marley and The Wailers sang, “He who feels it knows it.” Because I have been married for 36 years, to the same woman, I feel it, and l know it. So that’s my qualification.
The Top 10 Reasons People Get Married
People all through the ages have devised diverse reasons why they should get married and stay married. One of the most dramatic episodes of a marriage is recounted in the Christian Bible, concerning Ruth. She clung to her mother in-law after the death of her husband when she uttered these immortal words, “Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die—there will I be buried.”
Ruth accompanied Naomi, her mother in law, to Bethlehem and later married Boaz, a distant relative of her late father-in-law. According to Encyclopedia Britannica, “She is a symbol of abiding loyalty and devotion.” See the book of Ruth 1: 16-17.
According toTara Eisenhard of DivorcedMoms.com, writing for the Huffington Post, the top 10 reasons people get married include:
- The Next Logical Step
- Once Upon A Time, They Were In Love
- Desire To “Grow Up”
- “He’d Make A Good…”
- Fear Of Staying Single
- Wishful Thinking
- Security
- A Baby On The Way
- Pressure
- The Clock Is Ticking
If you asked me, I would add one other “top” reason: Greed
The Top “Right” Reasons People Get Married
According to divorcedmons.com, the top three “right” reasons people get married include:
- They love each other
- Share the same values and goals
- Want to spend their lives together
On the other hand, according to divorcedmons.com, the top “wrong” reason for a woman to get married is “you got pregnant.” I believe the same is true for the man, “my girl friend got pregnant.”
While marriage is the end game, there are obviously steps along the way to arrive at the decision to get married. The universally accepted reason in the long winding road to getting married is “love” between they would be couple.
In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare shows the tragic length lovers can go to demonstrate their undying affection for each other.
In Greek mythology, Helen of Troy, the most beautiful woman of Greece and of the world was abducted by Prince Paris of Troy precipitating the Trojan War which lasted for 10 years. So love is supposed to be the most potent reason people marry. So the logical question is, how do people fall in love?
Reasons People Fall In Love
According to upjourney.com “while falling and being in love with someone makes us feel warm and fuzzy, it also has its downsides.” If so, why do people still fall in love? Here are the top seven reasons proffered by experts:
- The key factor to falling in love is compatibility.
- You have gotten to know them more.
- They complement your personality.
- Because their flaws don’t matter anymore.
- We fall in love with the enigma and solution of ourselves.
- People fall in love because they love each other’s company.
- Humans are wired to look for a connection.
Why Do People Fall Out of Love – and Head for Divorce?
Given the celebrations, pomp and pageantry, the honeymoons and the near ecstasy that follow every marriage, even arranged marriages in places like India, Sri Lanka, and most Arab countries, you would believe that every marriage is made in heaven. But is it? From the ballooning divorce rates all over the world, the marriage institution is in dire trouble. People fall out of love because they no longer love each other. Isn’t that a pretty nasty tautology?
Reasons for Divorce
One of the most celebrated falling apart in modern history was the bitter ending between Prince Charles and Diana, leading to the untimely death of “The People’s Princess” after 15 years of tumultuous marriage. The most shocking divorce of all time was the heart rendering divorce of Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela and Winnie Mandela. No judgments.
For Hina Khan, a writer at worldblaze.in, some of the leading causes of divorce include:
- Anger
- Frustrations
- Loss of belief
- Anxiety
- Misbehavior
- Financial crisis
- Fake love
According to recordsfinder.com, the top reasons for divorce are:
- One or both people cheated
- Money problems
- Constant bickering
- Unhappy
- Abuse
- Communication issues
- One partner changed or didn’t change enough
- No longer in love or attracted to each other
- Lives were moving in different directions
- One person had to do all the work
According to recordsfinder.com, the odds that you will get divorced increase significantly if you or this happens:
- Smoking
- One person does all the chores
- Have financial problems
- Have been married before
- You have poor communication
- Met in a bar
- There is abuse
- One or both people cheat
- All your friends are divorced
- One of you is a dancer, bartender or massage therapist
Though not highlighted as a top cause of divorce in Hina Khan’s list, infidelity looms large in the two lists by recordsfinder.com. Whatever name you call it, whether you call it cheating, infidelity or adultery, extramarital affairs is the major cause of divorce.
Current studies of American couples indicate that 20% to 40% of heterosexual married men and 20% to 25% of heterosexual married women will have an extramarital affair during their lifetime.
Writing in ideas.ted.com under the title “10 facts about infidelity”, a guest author quotes a biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher, that “Love isn’t so much an emotion, as it is a brain system, one of three that’s related to mating and reproduction. It’s those other two systems that explain why human beings are capable of infidelity even as we so highly value love.” Read more about the subject here if you wish to go deeper.
Why Men Cheat Vs Why Women Cheat
According to divorcemag.com, nearly 57% of men and 54% of women will commit adultery at some point during their marriage. According to the writer, Sheila Blagg, here are the motivations behind the drive for cheating:
Why Men Cheat
- Emotional Neglect
2. Feeling Attractive and Wanted
3. Sex
Why Women Cheat
1. Emotional Neglect
2. Sex
3. Because He Cheated On Me
In a recent major news headline reported on Linda Ikeji’s blog and The Punch, a 38-year old man, on March 20, stabbed his suspected wife’s lover to death with a scissors.
According to the story, the culprit claimed he’d warned the deceased severally to steer clear of his wife. The deceased was stabbed 38 times in the chest, neck and eyes, and died on the way to the hospital.
The homicide unit of Ogun State Police Command, in Abeakuta, South West Nigeria, confirmed the story and stated that investigation had begun. The suspect is a petty trader, so also was the deceased. So cheating occurs among both the poor and the wealthy.
In all, personal life factors account for the high divorce rate. According to focusonthefamily.com, the major personal life factors include:
- Cohabitors in general have a 50% – 80% higher likelihood of divorce after marriage than non-cohabitors.
- The general divorce risk for African-Americans is 1.5 times higher than for Whites.
- Only 36% of college graduates who marry will ever divorce.
- Those who marry after 18 years of age have a reduced divorce risk of 24%.
- Coming from an intact family reduces divorce risk by 14%.
- Having an overall annual household income of $50k means a 30% lower divorce risk.
- Those with a strong common faith have a 35% lower risk of divorce.
- Couples who attend church weekly are 47% less likely to divorce.
- Divorce rates among nominal Christians are equal to the general population.
- Having one’s first child after marriage reduces divorce risk by a range of 24% – 66%.
- A marriage where only one partner smokes regularly increases their divorce risk by upwards of 75%.
- Marrying as non-virgins is associated with “considerably higher” risk of divorce and “dramatically more unstable first marriages”.
- Marriages in which the wife wants children, but the husband does not face a 50% higher risk of divorce.
- Marriages with a significant age difference between partners – particularly younger husband or much older husband – have nearly a 50% greater likelihood of divorce than those of similar ages.
- During a recession, divorce rates drop – it’s cheaper just to stay together or separate long-term.
It’s clearly necessary for would be couples to study these factors before they decide to tie the knot. If your love is not so strong that you’re willing to pay the supreme price like Romeo and Juliet don’t do it. If your love is not so strong that you’re willing to abdicate your throne as King Edward VIII did in order to marry his heart throb, Wallis Simpson, don’t do it.
The Countries with the Highest Divorce Rate
There are several measures of divorce rate. According to focusonthefamily.com, the four common measures are:
- Cohort measure rate
- Crude divorce rate
- Refined divorce rate
- Percent ever divorced (not a rate.)
The crude divorce rate is the actual number of divorces per 1,000 people in a population. According to focusonthefamily,com, the crude divorce rate is currently 3.6 divorces for every 1,000 people in the US, while the age adjusted crude divorce rate is currently 13 divorces for every 1,000 people age 15 and older.
According to the CDC (Center For Disease Control), the divorce rate in the United States is 3.2 per 1,000 people, which is not significantly different from the focusonthefamily.com figure of 3.6. According to focusonthefamily.com, marriage rate in the US is also declining, indicating both marriage and divorce are out of reach for certain segments of the population.
Here is the league table of the top 10 countries with the highest divorce rate in the world according to focusonthefamily.com:
- Belgium
- Portugal
- Hungary
- Czech
- Spain
- Luxemburg
- Estonia
- Cuba
- France
- US
From this list, it’s clear love is no respecter of wealth, otherwise why would some of the wealthiest countries on earth have the highest divorce rates: US, France, Belgium, Spain, Portugal, Luxemburg? The rest of the countries on the list are not poor countries either, except perhaps Cuba, which we can categorize as a middle income country in its own right. Why therefore there is so much unhappiness, bitterness, and gloom in marriage?
Impact of Divorce On Children
When a marriage is going out of whack, the children are always the first to notice. Accordingly, some couple cling on to toxic unions “for the sake of the children.” These are the impacts of divorce on children according to focusonthefamily.com:
- 77% of divorced individuals say their children were negatively affected by their divorce.
- 28% of children living with one divorced parent are living in poverty.
- 28% of children of divorced parents are not as close to their fathers, after the divorce.
- Children of divorce are more likely to do poorly in school and drop out.
- Children of divorce have more psychological and behavioral issues, and 25% of them detach from family.
Untying the Knot
Some divorces end amicably. For instance, there was no visible rancor when Jeff Bezos and his ex-wife MacKenzie parted ways.
Some divorces involve a psychological fight to the finish like the one between Prince Charles and Princess Diana.
In all, most divorces end in acrimony with couples in 80% of the time engaging lawyers to plead their cases. According to focusonthefamily.com, after untying the knot, bizarrely 5% of divorced people still wear their wedding rings, and 24% keep them but don’t wear them.
Generally, divorce is costly for a woman. According to focusonthefamily.com, 30% of divorced women earn $25,000-$50,000, about a third what their ex-spouse earns.
The High Cost of Wedding
Weddings, especially in underdeveloped countries such as Nigeria cost a fortune. Partners borrow from friends, family members, and their bank to make their wedding grander than the last one they attended. Ask a couple why they spend so much, they’ll tell you “wedding happens once in a lifetime.” This is of course a lie as we see from the high divorce rate.
In most instances women insist their sweet heart, meaning would be husband, don’t disgrace them by staging a low-key wedding. Most men oblige because of societal pressure of being thought of as poor.
In recent times, Nigerians have copied every aspect of middle income American wedding, with bride’s women and groom’s men adorning designer gowns and double breasted suites, and staging bridal trains as long as the River Niger.
The high point of any high society wedding in Nigeria is a special feature in Ovation Magazine that goes for upward of N2 million, or for a little lower in Global Excellence Magazine. Altogether, a white wedding can cost upward of N2mm – N4mm at the low end and 5mm to N10mm at the middle end.
The cost covers wedding gown, suit, dress for bride’s maid and best man, bridal train, food, drinks, hall hire and decoration, band, wedding brochure, gift items, and air tickets for both groom’s and bride’s families, to mention the key items.
In some African cultures, after the wedding, the bride’s family must properly settle the new bride in her husband’s home. This is yet another big chunk of expense.
High end weddings are in a class of their own. And the cost may include hiring top end hotel for some specially invited guests. For high end wedding, the couple invariably will disappear to an exotic location for two weeks to one month on honeymoon, another big ticket expense.
The scandalous spending on weddings needless to say is not peculiar to underdeveloped countries like Nigeria once awashed with petrodollars. Though that era has long receded, habits die hard. The number one country where people spend excessively on wedding is God’s own country, the US. According to CNBC, quoting the XO Group, the average cost of a wedding in the United States is at least $33,000.
The online business strategist and self-made millionaire, Ramit Sethi, insists you should spend as much as you can afford on your wedding because it’s your special day. The operative phrase here is “as much as you can afford.”
Ramit who is the author of the New York Times best-selling book, “I Will Teach You To Be Rich”, said he started saving for his wedding at the age of 24, when he didn’t even have a girl friend. He got married at the age of 36. That’s the way of the strategist. Follow this link to read Ramit’s full story at CNBC.
The logical question then is, if a couple spends so much on their special day why don’t they do everything within their power to make their marriage work? In this last segment of the blog post I turn to how you can make your marriage a success, enjoy happiness and abundance.
How To Achieve Success, Enjoy Happiness and Abundance In Marriage
This is a true story. Years back we (myself and my wife) became friends with Otunba Sizzy (not real name). We attended the same church. From his looks, he was a brilliant and handsome man in his heydays. Even at age of about 60, he was still looking slim, athletic, and dignified. His wife also attended the same church. We’re communion receiving Catholics.
Along the line Sizzy became very close to my wife, a lawyer by profession. Indeed, he used to come to our house. With time I learnt that the man was having marital problems with his wife and wanted my wife’s help. Indeed, his wife had driven him out of their house, a house that, according to him, he built. The wife was staying alone in the family house.
The bitterness in the marriage, according to the wife, was that “when Sizzy had money he was enjoying life with other women.” It appears the man had lost his job years before we met him, while the wife was now the family’s main bread winner.
My wife did her best to reconcile the couple. From what I later learnt the Parish Priest was also involved in the reconciliation effort but had met a brick wall on the part of the wife. She would not accept any reconciliation. They’d apparently reached a point of no return in the relationship. Ironically, both were still attending church. Whether they were receiving Holy Communion I can’t be sure.
To cut a long story short, one day, in a somber mood, my wife informed me Mr. Sizzy had died. She’d read about Mr. Sizzy’s death in the church’s bulletin. Sizzy and the wife had been married for over 30 years. The wife didn’t care. What could have gone so disastrously wrong in the marriage?
Despite attempts by psychologist, behavioural scientists and behaviorists to design and articulate personality archetypes using personality assessment instruments such as Myers Briggs, DISC, Explanatory Styles, PEP (Path Elements Profile), and others, it’s almost impossible to read a human being. Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth “There’s No Art To Find The Mind’s Construction In The Face.”
What you see is not what you get when it comes to human behaviour. The iceberg principle applies. What you see is the tip. Humans are as different as the galaxies in the sky. So instead of talking about success, happiness and abundance separately, I’ve merged the three notions, as they greatly overlap. There can be no happiness and abundance without success.
Were King Solomon, the wisest man God ever created to be alive, I would have approached him with the question, “How do you achieve success, happiness and abundance in marriage?” Alas Solomon is not here so it falls on me to provide the answer. This is what you must know first and foremost: there is no perfect man and there is no perfect woman.
To write this section, I turned to a group of friends that have been married for 30 years and above to give me their take and these are the factors they readily shared:
- Understanding
- Patience
- Tolerance
- Love
- Abundance
- Acceptance
- Friendship
- Freedom
- Fear of God
- Dependability
- Trustworthiness
- Good financial management
- Mutual love and respect
- Good sources of income
- Good parents in-law
- Filling emotional needs
- Godly children
- Good social relationship
According to one of the contributors, “research has shown that only in marriage you can find happiness.” The website sciencedirect.com, citing several research studies, lists the factors for a successful marriage as follows:
- Successful couples trust and consult each other
- Are honest
- Believe in God
- Make decisions together
- Are committed to each other
- Have friendly relationship
The research involved 300 self-described happy couples. The study concluded that traditional couples and non-traditional couples differed only in the procedures of family management.
A leading wedding services provider in Las Vegas, thelittlevegaschapel.com, lists the following six factors as the top musts for happiness in marriage.
- Strong Communication
· Spend Alone Time Together
· Spend Time Apart
· Have an Open Mind
· Roles
· Forgiving and Understanding
A study conducted in Iran, which I would surmise also applies to the majority of other Muslim countries concluded that the key determinant for a success and satisfaction in marriage included:
- The spiritual and religious
- Sexual and interpersonal factors
- Communication and interaction factors
- Mental health
The study concluded that “In mate selection, it is necessary to note various criteria, including religious matters, moral, mental health, communication skills and sexual factor and action through education, counseling and treatment if there is problem.”
Dr Joanna Oestmann, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, writing in marriage.com, identifies relationship communication as the number one factor for a feeling of abundance in marriage. According to Oestmann, “Relationship communication is the cornerstone of all abundant, or non-abundant, relationships. When communication is effective and efficient, the relationship thrives (i.e., sex, money, parenting, family, work, etc.). However, when communication is problematic, the relationship dives. In order to avoid a relationship dive, it is essential to avoid Selfishness and Assumptions which are the two primary driving forces of communication problems.” Here is the link for more detail.
Robert Ferguson, writing in fergusonvalues.com, describes abundance as a “differentiating value.” He says abundance means “an overflowing fullness; more than adequate quantity or supply.” He goes on to say abundance can mean:
- Overflowing with love.
- A great quantity of grace.
- An endless supply of hope.
Ferguson nails it when he states, “The problem is that most people associate abundance with having lots of money or great financial wealth. But that’s just one form of abundance.” He goes on to ask, “What about possessing an abundance of love, hope or passion? Abundance can be both tangible and intangible.”
“Unfortunately, many couples are living in marital poverty every day” according to Ferguson. You can get Ferguson’s full angle here and he’s quite on point. He catalogues the following symptoms of “marital poverty”:
- A husband who feels disrespected and empty.
- A wife who feels unloved and alone.
- A husband who feels unappreciated.
- A wife who feels no one listens to her.
- A husband or wife who has lost his or her passion for life.
- A husband or wife who can’t forgive.
There is the apocryphal story of two young lads who decided to test a wise old man to confirm if the man was indeed wise. With a bird in a bag, they approached the wise man and asked him to confirm if the bird in the bag was alive or dead. Their plan was to squeeze the bird dead if the wise man said the bird was alive or bring it out alive if the man said the bird was dead. The wise man, according to legend responded, the fate of the bird is in your own hands.
So the fate of your marriage is in your own hands. As you contemplate whether to tie the knot or to remain in your marriage or abandon the boat altogether, know your fate is in your own hands only. I have no answer but here are my 51 Golden QuestionsTM on Success, Happiness, and Abundance in marriage:
- Are you psychologically ready for marriage?
- Are you ready to “settle down”?
- Are you cut out for marriage if you’re a woman (or you’d rather be a nun?)
- Do you communicate openly with your partner?
- Do you know your spouse inside and out?
- Are you hiding anything whatsoever from your partner?
- Are you marrying for the “right” reason?
- Are you willing to endure through good and bad times?
- Are you marrying your spouse because no other person will accept you?
- Are you clean?
- Are you trustworthy?
- Do you like sex?
- Do you hate sex?
- What does sex mean to you?
- Are you generous?
- Are you a miser?
- Are you psychologically open?
- Do you have secrets?
- Do you have skeletons in your cupboard?
- What makes you tick?
- What makes your spouse tick?
- Do you tell lies?
- Do you hide things from your partner?
- Do you spend your money wisely?
- Does your partner know what you earn?
- Do you spend to show off?
- Do you pull your weight in the partnership?
- Do you hide your money and spend your partner’s?
- Does your partner really know you?
- Is one of your families richer/poorer than the other?
- Are you hard working?
- Are you lazy?
- Are you always comparing yourself or family with others?
- Do you make savings a part of your family ritual?
- Do you have family meetings?
- Do your parents interfere in your marriage?
- Do you run to your parents to report everything that happens in your marriage?
- Do you beat your husband/wife?
- Do you encourage your spouse?
- Do you acknowledge your spouse?
- Do you have very high expectation of your partner that s/he’ll do everything for you?
- Do you treat your spouse as an equal?
- Do you control your spouse?
- Do you give your spouse freedom to be the best?
- Do you steal your partner’s money?
- Do you engage in sex outside marriage?
- Do you respect you partner?
- Are you mean to your partner?
- Can your partner vouch for your integrity?
- Are you active in church/mosque/shrine/ ashram/temple?
- Are you law abiding?
What You Need To Do Now
In some cultures e.g. American, marriage is seen mostly as a transaction. That’s why couples go all out to craft perfect pre-nuptial agreement so that any time they want to bail out of the marriage, their finances remain intact.
Donald J. Trump, the 45th president of the US, tells whoever cares to listen to get a pre-nuptial agreement before marriage. He knows because he has been married three times, and paid $25 million to her first wife, Ivana, as part of their divorce settlement. Trump speaks about pre-nuptial agreement here.
In most of Africa, however, marriage is between families and not necessarily between the wedded individuals. In this regard, the traditional marriage is more sacred than the white wedding, which is merely a blessing of the marriage. This helps in ensuring longevity of marriage to an extent, every other thing being equal.
What you need to do now is to tackle the 51 Golden Questions and send me your answer via info@pauluduk.com. Pour out your mind and email me after you’ve completed the 51 questions, type written. A yes or no answer will not do. After all the input have been received, I’ll compile the submissions into a booklet and send to all those that will participate. If you wish to just rate yourself, use a scale of 1 (low) to 5 (high) on all the questions and send to me. I will send you a report indicating whether your marriage will endure or is bound for the rocks.
Marriage is not like jumping into a bus at one station and jumping out at the next. It’s for good. If you don’t believe it’s for good then don’t marry to safe yourself from the pain, headache and feeling of lose associated with divorce. Search long and hard before you select a partner. Ideally, let it be the person you love and ready to die for.
Dan Sullivan, the business strategist and the founder of Strategic Coach has a quote that goes, “Our eyes only see and our ears only hear what our brain is looking for.”
Look for your ideal partner with a clear brain. It will be like finding a pin in a hay stack and when you do, your eyes and ears will alert you and you’ll have a successful marriage full of happiness and abundance.
My Top Three Recommended Books
- Marriage, a History, by Stephanie Coontz
- Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher
- The Marriage-Go-Round, by Andrew J. Cherlin
